Trading Places

“And that’s the story of the marshmallow futures and how Brandon won even though he didn’t win legally.” Albert said.

“I should say that kind of thing would be highly illegal!” Charles said.

“Well, this was done a while ago” Albert did say.

“So, what happened to Brandon and Barack Hussein?” Charles asked.

“Well, Barack Hussein ended up retiring to Martha’s Vineyard.” Albert said. “Brandon, took up a career in NASCAR”

“Is he any good?” Charles asked.

“Well, he has won a few races.” Albert said. “The fans love him, ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ they cheer.  And every race he wins, he enjoys an ice cream cone!”

“Cool” Charles said. “Should I ask if his wins are legit? Since he and Barack seemed to have some questionable wins.”

“Oh, the media says they’re legit so that’s good enough for me” Albert said. “So how did you like my story otherwise?”

“Well, it was nice that we kind of swapped roles.” Charles said. “Normally I’m the storyteller”

“I know, Trading Places, right?!” Albert said.

“Yea, so I guess we’ll see you next year right?” Charles said.

“Maybe, make sure you get the butt booster for the next five variants!” Albert said. “Because if you don’t get it, my medicine won’t work!”

“Yea I know” Charles replied. “Merry Christmas and Let’s go Brandon!”

“Let’s Go Brandon!” Albert said.

TRADE!!!!

The Dukes trader was right in the midst of the pit and the first opening buy at the bell call.  He was tenacious, buying everything thing he could. Someone noticed the Dukes looking over from their private balcony.

“Hey Hey, the Dukes are trying to corner the market” one trader said

“They must know something, lets get in on it” another said.

More and more traders were getting involved while the Dukes trader kept buying.

The price kept going up and up.

“Come one Brandon its time!” Barack Hussein said.

“Not yet, just a few more changes” Brandon replied.

The price hit 139 and the Dukes buyer was still buying

“Now” Brandon said and yelled “SELL 200 APRIL AT 142!!

The floor went crazy trying to buy from Brandon and Barack Hussein, even the Dukes buyer was trying to get in at that price.

Because of the change, the price stopped going up and started to go down.

“Randolph that’s not right” Mortimer said. “How can the price be going down? Somethings wrong where’s Ronald”

Mortimer saw Ronald their trader and he saw Brandon and Barack Hussein.

“What are they doing here?” Mortimer asked

“They’re selling Mortimer.” Randolph replied.

“Why that’s ridiculous” Mortimer said. “Unless that crop report…”

“Heaven help us!” Randolph said as they both ran down to try to get Ronald to start selling.

“I told you we shouldn’t have committed everything” Mortimer said

“We’ve got to get to Ronald and tell him to sell!” Randolph said as they both continued to the floor.

Just then the monitors came on and an announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Secretary of Agriculture” a voice said.

The Secretary came on the monitors.

“Good morning, the marshmallow estimates for the next year. After calculating the estimates from various marshmallow producing states, we have concluded the following. The cold winter has not affected the orange harvest…”

Immediately the traders knew what this meant, they had to sell like crazy to not go broke!

Brandon and Barack Hussein watched the price tumble while the traders went crazy trying to sell what they thought was a good investment. The price managed to fall way lower than the opening call, at which point Brandon and Barack Hussein started buying enough to cover their April sell.

No one was buying from the Dukes trader, and Randolph and Mortimer made it to the floor by this time and caught up to Ronald

“Ronald you idiot, get in there and sell at once, sell sell sell!”

Finally. The closing bell came.

Brandon and Barack Hussein looked at the closing price and then jumped for joy.  They just made millions of dollars with the money they had from Ophelia, Cole Mann and the small loan from the Dukes that was meant to go to Beeks. They looked over and saw the Dukes.

“Happy New Year!!!” Brandon yelled

“Brandon?! Obama!?” Mortimer exclaimed.

“Hey how’d you make out today?” Barack Hussein asked.

“How could you do this to us?” Randolph asked. “After all we’ve done for you?”

“Oh, you see Brandon and I made a bet.” Barack Hussein said. “He bet we couldn’t get rich and put you in the poor house at the same time. He didn’t think we could do it. I won!”

“I lost” Brandon said… “Here you go Barack… One dollar!”

The Dukes looked on befuddled while the trading manager came up to them.

“Margin call gentlemen” he said

“Why you can’t expect…” Mortimer said.

“You know the rules, all accounts to be settled at the end of the days trading, without exception!” the trading manager said

“You know perfectly well we don’t have 26 billion dollars in cash!”

“I’m sorry boys” The trading manager said. “Put the Duke brothers’ seats on the exchange up for sale at once, seize all assets of Duke & Duke Commodity Brokers, as well as all the personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.”

“We’re ruined!” Randolph said.

“You and your Nobel prize” Mortimer said to him yelling.

The Big Setup

At the stock exchange both Brandon, Barack Hussein and the Dukes were present however the Dukes were unaware of Brandon and Barack Hussein’s presence.

“No listen, we want you to buy as many marshmallow futures as possible, right at the opening bell” Mortimer told his trader.

“When trading opens?” the trader asked

“Yes, and don’t worry if the price goes up, just keep buying” Randolph chimed in.

“But they’ll broadcast the marshmallow report in an hour, what if…” he asked but Randolph cut him off

“You let us worry about that Ronald.” Randolph said. “Now don’t clown around and get out there!”

Meanwhile Brandon was explaining to Barack Hussein how the trading works

“Think big, think positive.” Brandon said. “Never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear, that’s the other guy’s problem. Nothing can prepare you for the unbridled carnage you are about to witness. The Super Bowl, the World Series. Pressure? Here it’s kill or be killed. Make no friends and take no prisoners. One minute you’re up half a million, the next, boom. Your kids don’t go to college and you’ve lost your Bentley.”

“Let’s Go Brandon and kill these fools!” Barack Hussein said as they walked up to the balcony overlooking the trading floor.

“This is it. The last bastion of pure capitalism left on earth.” Brandon said. “Here in New York, they trade everything, gold, silver, platinum, heating oil, propane, cocoa, sugar, and frozen concentrated orange juice and, of course marshmallows. The people on the phones are taking orders from brokers all over the world. The runners hand those orders to the traders in the pits. They’re trading cotton over there. And that’s the silver pit. The Dukes’ trader is going to be buying like crazy right from the opening.”

“We wait until he drives the price up?” Barack Hussein asked.

“Right. I can’t wait to see his face when they broadcast that genuine marshmallow report.” Brandon said, “Marshmallow trading opens at 9:00.”

Fake News

Now that Brandon, Barack Hussein, Cole Mann, and Ophelia had the briefcase with the marshmallow report they had to decide how to best use this.

“I think it would be best if gave the Dukes a dimmer report” Brandon said. “That way they can continue to buy until the report comes out.”

“Won’t that help them?” Barack Hussein asked.

“It could, but what we will do is we will short sell at a high price and count on the panic, then buy” Brandon said. “It makes sense, just like the house I built with booth logs.”

Cole Mann shrugged and asked, “Won’t you be needed money for this?”

“We will, that’s where my counter part can help me” Brandon said.

“Right so we’ll first take all the money we have, and the money we get from the Dukes when we give them the fake report” Barack Hussein said.

“But I really don’t want to give you my savings!?” Ophelia said.

“Don’t worry, once this goes well, we can spread the wealth around!” Barack Hussein said.

An alarm went off and Barack Hussein looked at the clock.

“Do you think they’ll go for it?” Barack Hussein asked as he was getting ready.

“Oh, I bet they will” Brandon replied. “Now remember, stay in the shadows and don’t let them see you!”

Barack Hussein dressed in a trench coat and headed to the parking garage and hid behind a pillar in the shadows so that when the Dukes showed up, they would not be able to see him.

He heard people approaching and shined a flashlight in their face. It was Randolph and Mortimer.

“I’m right here. That’s far enough!” Barack Hussein said in his gruffest voice.

“Did you get the report?” Randolph asked.

“Let me see the money.” Barack Hussein said again in his gruffest voice.

Mortimer opened a briefcase full of money while Barack Hussein shined the flashlight on it.

“Ok toss it over” he said again gruffly.

When they did, he then slide the envelope their way which contained a falsified report.

He disappeared into the shadows while the Dukes read the report.

“Thank you Beeks!” Randolph said.

“Wonderful news, Wonderful!” Mortimer said

“Happy new year Beeks!” Randolph said as the Dukes left with the report.

Switcharoo!

As Clarence Beeks entered the train station, he carefully made sure that he was not being followed. He wasn’t too worried, after all no one really knew what he was up to.  Still, he could not rest on the train ride like he wanted to because, there was a new year’s party going on, and he couldn’t sleep and let this important report fall into the wrong hands.

He went to a private coach car and was soon joined by Brandon.  Although he did not know it was Brandon because he was wearing a very clever disguise. He also had a briefcase that was identical to Beeks’ briefcase.

“Merry New Year!” Brandon said.

“I think you mean Happy.” Beeks replied.

“Ha yea, I’m not so good with words!” Brandon replied.

Brandon sat down next to Beeks and carefully set his briefcase down behind Beeks.  He did this so he could grab Beeks briefcase at the next stop.

“Where are you heading?” Brandon asked to seem innocent.

“Philadelphia, how about you?” Beeks asked in return.

“Wilmington, yep I just love Wilmington” Brandon said.

The rest of the trip was passed in silence until the Wilmington station was called.

“Ok, welp this is my stop” Brandon said, “Let’s go Brandon and get that report!” Brandon didn’t realize what he just said until Beeks looked at him oddly.

“Who are you talking to?’ Beeks said “My name isn’t Brandon”

“Oh, I’m sorry” Brandon said.  “Sometimes I just ramble on incoherently.”

Brandon grabbed Beeks’ briefcase and left his in its place.  Little did Beeks know that in Brandon’s briefcase was approximately 200,000 ballots that would frame Beeks for fraud.

Once Brandon got off the train, he quickly called the Philadelphia police.

“Yea I want to report a criminal that will be exiting the train in Philadelphia” Brandon said on the phone. “The individual has a black briefcase full of illegal ballots.”

Sure, enough that is what happened, as Beeks got off the train, the police stopped him and demanded to see what was in his briefcase.

“I don’t think you know who I am” Beeks said to the police.  The police didn’t listen and proceeded to open his briefcase and found all the ballots that Brandon had reported.

“Sir you’re under arrest for trying to steal the election” the policeman said.

Party Line!

Barack Hussein explained his plan in simple terms that even Brandon could understand them

“We need to hear what the Dukes plan is and try to get ahead of it” he said.

“Would it help at all, if there was a feature that will allow you to listen in to any phone conversation?” Brandon asked “No that’s a stupid terrible idea”

“No wait, tell me more about this?” Barack Hussein asked.

“Well, in my office. My phone was set to privately monitor any phone in the company without them knowing it.” Brandon said. “You could go in there monitor the Dukes’ phone since they only use one”

“Cool, lets do that!” Barack Hussein said.

“But there is a catch” Brandon said.

“What’s that?” Barack Hussein asked.

“It only works on the banana phone.” Brandon said. “You’ll see”

“Man, that sounds a little racist” Barack Hussein said, but he headed off to Brandon’s office.

In the office he saw the banana phone and shook his head.

“It is amazing this man has made it this far in life.” Barack Hussein said to himself.

He started to monitor the phone lines. It was long and tiring. Finally, right before he was going to give up for the day he heard “Putting you through Mr. Beeks.”

“Operation “strange mallows” is proceeding according to plan.” Beeks said on the phone. “I anticipate penetration and acquisition at 21 hundred hours”

“When can we expect delivery?” Randolph asked.

“I will be leaving DC by train.” Beeks said. “Will rendezvous at 24:00 at the Hilton Hotel, parking level D, Section 4.”

“Ok, well done Mr. Beeks.” Randolph said. “Is there anything else?”

“The final payment is due on delivery, in cash.” Beeks said and hung up the phone.

Barack Hussein smiled because he knew what they could do to stop Clarence Beeks and intercept that report.

A New Plan

Barack Hussein was able to catch up to Brandon, who in his drunken state had blacked out and was in a perilous situation when Barack Hussein found him. He brought him back with the help of Cole Mann and they called a doctor to tend to Brandon back at the house.

“It was close but he’s going to be all right.” Dr. Zoidberg said “Now, make sure he gets plenty of rest. And for goodness sake, no excitement!”

“Thanks, Doc. Merry Christmas.” Cole Mann said

Right about then, Brandon awoke in his bed

“It was a dream.” Brandon said. “I dreamt the whole thing. It was just a bad dream.”

“Good morning, sir.” Cole Mann said, “Merry Christmas. I’ve made you your favorite!”

“Oh Coleman, I’ve had the most absurd nightmare.” Brandon said. “I was poor, and no one liked me. I lost my job; I lost my house. Jill hated me. And it was all because of this terrible, awful…” he stopped mid-sentence when he saw Barack Hussein.

Brandon leapt out of bed and started to choke Brandon Hussein.  All the while Barack Hussein was trying to get him to stop by saying.

“It… was… the… Dukes.” Barack Hussein got out.

“You’re a dead man!” Brandon said but finally Ophelia and Cole Mann broke it up.

“It was an experiment.” Barack Hussein said. “They used us as guinea pigs, man.  To see how our lives would turn out. They made a bet.”

“I’m afraid it’s true, sir.” Cole Mann said.

“The Dukes ruined my life over a bet?” Brandon asked, “For how much?”

“A dollar.” Barack Hussein said.

“One dollar?” Brandon said. “Fine, that’s the way they want it. No problem.”

Brandon then got up and went to get his shotgun

“You can’t just shoot people with a double-barreled shotgun because you’re mad at them” Barack Hussein

“Why not?” Brandon asked.

“It’s assault with a deadly weapon!” Barack Hussein said “You get 20 years for that malarky!”

“Not if I shoot him through the door!” Brandon said. “Besides, do you have any better ideas?”

“Yeah, it seems the best way to hurt rich people is by turning ’em into poor people.” Barack Hussein said, “You have to admit, you didn’t like it yourself a bit.”

On the TV that Ophelia was watching the announcer said “Under heavy security, the crop estimates

for next year’s marshmallows are being delivered to the Department Of Agriculture in Washington DC.”

“Brandon! Brandon!” She exclaimed “that’s him, the guy who paid me to kiss you.”

The TV announcer continued “..In charge of security, Mr Clarence Beeks of Lyndhurst Security.”

“Clarence Beeks!” Brandon and Barack Hussein exclaimed at the same time.

“The Dukes gave him 10 grand.” Barack Hussein said

“I saw 50,000 in the payroll” Brandon said. “Mortimer said it was for research.

“Research, so he can get that top secret report, two days before it goes public.” Barack Hussein said.

“Oh my word, the Dukes will corner the entire marshmallow market!” Brandon exclaimed

“Unless somebody stops them.” Coleman said “Or beats them to it!”

“I’ve got a plan!” Barack Hussein said, “Let’s Go Brandon, I’ll need your help with this!”

The Plot Thickens!

At the Duke and Duke Christmas party, all the employees were having a good time socializing and being merry.  Not one of them noticed a dingy dressed Santa clause that was pocketing food and drinks.

Meanwhile, in Barack Hussein’s office, he was going over payroll checks and comparing them to the employee roster.  He came across one that didn’t match up.  He set it aside and put the rest of the checks and the roster in his desk.  He then grabbed the other check and went to find the Dukes. He saw them out with the other employees, and they saw him coming.

“Ah Obama, where’ve you been?” Randolph asked “The party’s already begun.”

“I have some work to finish.” Barack Hussein replied.

“It’s Christmas Eve and Obama, wants to keep working.” Randolph said smiling. “I’ll think of you in Stockholm, when I accept the Nobel Prize.”

“The wager has two parts – something about a second party turning to crime.” Mortimer replied.

Barack Hussein stood there looking confused, then Mortimer chimed in “Didn’t you say you had work to do?”

“Yes sir. I was wondering about this $10,000 check to Mr. Clarence Beeks.” Barack Hussein asked but before he got an answer Mortimer snapped it.

“I’ll take care of it, Obama,” Mortimer said.

“I don’t recall a Clarence Beeks, Mr Duke.” Barack Hussein said

“It was before you joined us, Obama” Mortimer said. “We did manage to stay in business for 47 years before your arrival.”

“Have a drink, Barack Hussein!” Randolph said.  Then Barack Hussein decided to go back to his office to finish up his work.

However, while he was away, this was the perfect opportunity for Brandon to sneak in and try to plant evidence to incriminate Brandon.

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?!” Barack Hussein asked Brandon as he walked in.

“Randolph, Mortimer, come in here quickly,” Brandon replied ignoring Brandon. “I’ve finally caught him; I’ve caught him red-handed.”

Randolph and Mortimer walked in

“Brandon, is that you?” Randolph asked

“I’m making a citizen’s arrest.” Brandon said “This man is a drug dealer. Look, his office drawer,

he’s got all the bad drugs here. Marijuana joints, pills, Quaaludes, Valium, yellow ones, red ones,

cocaine grinder, drug needles. And, whats this… look, illegal ballots! He’s the fraudster not me!”

“I just came in and caught him planting this stuff.” Barack Hussein said, “It’s obviously some primitive attempt to frame me.”

“Frame you?!” Brandon asked “Boy, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black.”

“This man’s obviously a lunatic. I’m calling security.” Barack Hussein said as he picked the phone up to dial security.

“Put that phone down.” Brandon said as he was trying to find his gun

“Hello, security…” Barack Hussein said and stopped as Brandon found the gun. “Merry Christmas!”

“You tried to rob me, plant drugs on me. You steal my house, my car, my job. I ought to kill him now.” Brandon said.

“Look, this is a big misunderstanding.” Randolph said

“I don’t know nothing about it.” Barack Hussein said

“Could you put the gun away?” Mortimer asked, “Have you lost your mind?”

Just then security came in and put their guns on Brandon.

“I realize this whole experience must have been rather unsettling for you.” Randolph said, “don’t leave. we can explain. Yeah, you’ll be sorry.”

“You’ll all be very, very sorry.” Brandon shouted as he ran out.

“I can’t believe Brandon would fall to pieces like that!” Randolph said.

“Come Randolph we have business to attend to” Mortimer said.

Barack Hussein began to clean up his office and then take the garbage and the planted drugs to the bathroom to flush them.

As he walked in, he heard Mortimer and Randolph talking.

“Pay up, Mortimer, I’ve won the bet.” Randolph said.

“Here, one dollar.” Mortimer said.

“We took a perfectly useless community organizer, like Obama, and turned him into a successful executive.” Randolph said. “And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man

into a violently deranged, would-be killer.”

“Now, what are we going to do about taking Brandon back and returning Valentine to the Kenya?” Randolph asked.

“I don’t want Brandon back after what he’s done.” Mortimer said

“You mean keep Obama?” Randolph asked.

“Of course not!” Mortimer said. “I do think we should hold off on switching them back, though.

Until we get that crop report, New Year’s Eve, don’t you?”

“Absolutely, no sense rocking the boat until then.” Randolph said. “If Mr. Beeks does what we paid him to do, we should have a very happy New Year.”

“Indeed.” Mortimer said.

Barack Hussein was stunned! He immediately left to see if he could catch Brandon.

Bad News for Brandon

Brandon, trying to make sense of things trying to dip into his vast wealth was finding problems all over the place.  Everywhere he went, he was shunned.  He even tried to get a free ice cream cone on free ice cream cone day from discount ice cream cones and they told him no.

He then wondered over the Hairy Legs Club and found Jill sitting with his friends and Todd.  Todd went to school with Brandon and was always competing with him.

Jill saw Brandon approaching and said.

“I think I’m going to be sick”

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle this sweetie” Todd said as he stood up.

“Todd, Harry, Andrew, Philip” Brandon said looking at all of them “I realize that this looks completely awful, but I wanted to assure you, my friends, that I am completely innocent.”

“I’m going to fight this; someone is out to get me, and I know who it is!” Brandon continued. “The most important thing is that I can rely on each of you, my friends as character witnesses.”

“I’m going to be defending myself, and I was wondering if any of you could see your way clear to perhaps advance me a small loan until the hearing?” Brandon asked.

They all scuffed but Todd said

“Frankly, Brandon, and I think I speak for all of us. I think it shows incredibly bad taste for you to embarrass us like this.

“I believe I am still a member of this club” Brandon replied.

“Nobody wants your fraudulent votes here, why don’t you just go away!” Jill replied.

Brandon did just that, but he was hoping to still raise some money and figured he would sell his favorite watch at a local pawn shop.

He presented it to the broker.  The man looked at it and set it down and said

“Burnt my fingers man!” the broker said.

“I beg your pardon?” Brandon asked.

“Man, that watch is so hot, it’s smokin!” the broker responded.

“Hot?!” Brandon asked. “Do you mean to imply stolen?”

“I’ll give you $50 for it.” the broker offered.

“$50!?!?!” Brandon exclaimed. “No, no, no. This is a Rochefoucauld, the thinnest water-resistant watch in the world. Singularly unique, sculptured in design, hand-crafted in Switzerland and water-resistant to three atmospheres. This is the sports watch of the ’80s. $6,955 retail.”

“You got a receipt?” the broker asked.

“Look, it tells time simultaneously in Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills, London, Paris, Rome and Gstaad.” Brandon said.

“In Philadelphia it’s worth 50 bucks.” The broker said.

“Just give me the money.” Brandon said, but then saw something that caught his eye. “How much for the gun?”

The First Day

When Barack Hussein and Cole Mann arrived at the Duke and Duke Investments office, he got out of the care and looked at Cole Mann and said.

“There’s something weird going on here.” Then he looked at the building and back at Cole Mann. “Man what do they even want from me in there, I don’t know what to do?”

“Just be yourself sir.” Cole Mann said “Whatever happens, they can’t take that away from you”

As Barack Hussein entered the office swarms of people were walking around and he walked up to a secretary towards the back of the office.

“Excuse me, hi, my name is…” he said but was interrupted by the secretary

“Mr. Obama, yes they’re waiting for you in the last office down the hall.”

Barack Hussein walked down the hall and entered the office to find Mortimer and Randolph were waiting for him.

“Ah, come on in right on time!” Randolph said, “Go ahead and sit down!”

They invited him to sit at a table that had various items on it.

“Uh no thanks guys I already had breakfast” Barack Hussein said.

“This is not a meal; we are here to try to explain to you what it is we do here” Mortimer said.

“That’s right” Randolph chimed in. “We’re commodities brokers. Now, what are commodities?”

Barack Hussein shrugged while Randolph continued.

“Commodities are agricultural products. Like coffee, that you had for breakfast. Wheat, which is used to make bread. Pork bellies, which is used to make bacon, which you might find in a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.”

Barack Hussein looked at him as if to say, really.  Randolph continued again.

“Then there are other commodities like, marshmallows, oranges and gold. Except gold doesn’t grow on trees. Clear so far?”

“Yea” Barack Hussein replied.

“Good, now lets say that some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future.” Randolph said. “We have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold is going to fall.”

“They’ve placed their orders with us and we buy or sell their gold for them.” Randolph stated.

“Tell him the good part.” Mortimer said.

“The good part is that no matter whether our clients make money, or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.” Randolph said.

“Well, what do you think, Obama?” Mortimer said

“Sounds to me like you guys are a couple of bookies!” Barrack Hussein said.

“I told you he’d understand.” Randolph said.

“Do either of you know Tim Geithner?” Barack Hussein asked.

“Who?” Mortimer asked.

“Never mind” Barack Hussein said.

“Now lets do a real world example here.” Randolph said. “Right now the pork belly contracts are trading”

“It’s hit rock bottom. Come on, let’s buy.” Mortimer said and picked up the phone. “Buy 200 May belly contracts at 66.8. Put them on my personal account.”

“That’s a big mistake, man.” Barack Hussein said

“Obama, this is very important, watch.” Mortimer said

“You’re going to get reamed on this one.” Barack Hussein said.

“Why shouldn’t we buy now?” Randolph asked.

“Price is going to keep going down.” Barack Hussein said.

“Randolph, this isn’t Monopoly money we’re playing with.” Mortimer exclaimed.

Randolph grabbed the phone and said “This is Randolph Duke. Hold that belly over a moment.” He put the phone down and continued “Tell me why you think the price of pork bellies is going down.”

“It’s Christmas time. Everybody’s uptight.” Barack Hussein said

“Could we please buy now?” Mortimer pleaded

“If you want to lose money go ahead.” Barack Hussein said.

“What are you trying to say?” Randolph asked

“OK, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning.” Barack Hussein said. “So, everybody’s waiting for them to hit rock bottom so they can buy cheap. The people with pork belly contracts are thinking, ‘Hey, we’re losing all our money and Christmas is coming. I won’t be able to buy my son the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip. And my wife will leave me because I have no money.’ They’re panicking, screaming, ‘SELL, SELL.’ They don’t want to lose all their money. They are panicking right now. I can feel it.”

“Look at them, He’s right, Mortimer, my goodness, look at it.” Randolph exclaimed.

“I’d wait till you get to 64, then buy.” Barack Hussein said. “You’ll have cleared out all the suckers by then.”

“Do you realize how much money he just saved us?” Randolph asked his brother.

“Money isn’t everything, Randolph.” Mortimer said smugly

“Advise our clients, interested in bellies to buy at 64.” Randolph said on the phone. “Mr. Obama has set the price.”

“Well done, very well done.” Randolph said as he patted Barack Hussein on his back

“Come on, Randolph, we’re going to be late.” Mortimer said disgustingly.

As they left Barack Hussein looked down and saw a money clip full of $100 bills.  He picked it up and looked at it but then chased down the Duke’s.

“Hey there” Barack Hussein said “Mortimer dropped his money clip. You can count it, it’s all there.”

“Thank you.” Mortimer said annoyingly

“It’s all there, count it.” Barack Hussein said

“I’m sure it is. Keep up the good work.” Randolph said

“All right, Randy” Barack said as he left.

“Nice try, Mortimer.” Randolph said as he knew he was trying to win the bet.