#MaskDown

Season 6, Episode 14 (PSA)

“Hello, I’m Bob Ross” Bob Ross introduced

“And I’m Ronald McDonald” Ronald McDonald said.

“And we’re here to share with you the importance of butt masks to spank the spike!”  Bob Ross said. “We want to tell you to maskdown to stop the spread!”

“That’s right Bob, and we are at one of many McDonalds, which are going the extra mile to ensure you can enjoy your food safely.  We are essentially cleaning the place to to bottom” Ronald McDonald said with a little giggle.

“We are also telling you to make sure you distance your self from your peers” Bob Ross said. “At least 6.3 feet for a happy little gathering”

“And if you don’t, at least in a McDonalds” Ronald said. “We have implemented devices that will encourage distancing.

“WEAK!” A.W.E.S.O.M.-O said as it pushed Bob Ross back.

A New Lobster in Town

Season 6, Episode 13 (PSA)

“Mr President, Mr. President!” A flurry of reporters said.

“Look, I am not going to take any questions, but I want you to know that we are taking action against the butt virus that has struck our nation hard. It has struck our nation hard that it has spanked the normalcy out of us. We are strong as a nation and we will be stronger.  I have added two new experts to my response team, On my left is Dr. Beverly Crusher, an expert in biotechnology and infectious diseases. Word has it she is working on a new disease that has plagued our nation for years, long before the butt virus.  Is it Libermanism?  Liberalism? Something like that.  She is an expert and highly talented, she is a highly talented doctor and we are glad to have her on our team.  Now on my right, is a parasite expert. Dr. John Zoidberg.  Dr. Zoidberg will be leading the team to victory and now I’ll have you direct your questions to him”

“Dr. Zoidberg, Dr. Zoidberg!” the same flurry of reporters said as they tried to ask the first question.

“Friends, friends. Hello how are you?” Zoidberg said. “I’m here to help us with our situation.  It turns out that we as a team have determined that this virus is actually parasite.  Yes yes its true!  Its a parasite that attaches to the human brain and causes them to do crazy things”

“Uh Dr. Z,” Dr. Crusher interrupted him. “The brain is up here and the virus is down here…” she said as she pointed appropriately.

“Right Right!, I always forget.” Zoidberg continued.  “Anyway we recommend that all citizens start wearing butt masks immediately. We are working hard on a vaccine to euthanize those who are…”

“Uh what Dr. Zoidberg means” Crusher interrupted again “Is that we are going to vaccinate and immunize once we come up with a vaccination.  We recommend that you wear a butt mask to protect yourself and your neighbors.”

I Can Help, Why Not?

Season 6, Episode 12 (PSA)

President Trump met again with his panel of experts on the butt virus.

“Gentlemen, thank you for coming back on such short notice.” Trump opened. “I would like to introduce one of the pair of new experts I am adding to this panel. This is Dr. Beverly Crusher from Starfleet Medical.  She is an expert in bio technology, and infectious diseases. Dr. Crusher, I believe you know Dr. McCoy, my chief of staff Data, Dr. Molar, Dr Cochrane, and lastly Dr. Xaiver.”

“Jean Luc!” Dr. Crusher said looking at Dr. Xaiver. “When did you get in?”

“I think you have mistaken me for someone else” Dr. Xaiver said.

“Goodness, are you sure you’re not Jean Luc Picard? You sure look like him, and sound like him” Dr. Crusher said.

“No I am not, sadly, now if you would like to discuss the butt virus, I am ready to be engaged” Dr. Xaiver replied.

“Ok, well first things first.” Dr. Crusher started “We have found that natural gases spread the virus, and there are two things that really help curtail it.  The first being wearing a butt mask. Now I see all of you except Dr. Molar are not wearing a butt mask. If you want my help, I insist that you wear a butt mask”

“Finally, see someone agrees with me!” Dr. Molar said.

“Ok, fair enough. Everyone, put on a butt mask” Trump ordered them.

“Fantastic, now the next part which is not as necessary unless you actually get it. Is to stay 6.3 feet away from someone that has it” Dr. Crusher said.

“Six point three feet?” Dr. McCoy asked.  “I’m a doctor not a human ruler”

“That seems like a weird designation for distancing.” Data stated. “What is the reasoning behind this figure?”

“Just trust the science” Dr. Crusher replied.

Suddenly there was a loud crash and a scuttling.

“Ah, that would be the other expert!” Trump said.

“Hello, Hello! Thank you for having me. I’m very glad to be here to help.”

“Team, this is Dr. John A. Zoidberg” Trump said. “He may be a little, unorthodox, but he is an expert in parasites which we will explain why that is important in a moment”

“Waste not!” Zoidberg said. “For I was a parasite at one time and I have seen this when I was a young barnacle”

“So I’m confused.” Dr. Cochrane said “Why are you here? And why are you standing on a chair?”

“Please no unimportant questions Dr. Cochrane.” Trump said. “I would advise you to share you research as I have made Dr. Zoidberg head of the response to the butt virus”

“Hooray!” Dr. Zoidberg said “People are paying attention to me!”

Smooth the Spike

Season 6, Episode 11 (PSA)

President Trump, having still to focus on dealing with the butt virus, went to visit a leading specialist in high tech medical.

“Dr. Crusher, I am pleased to meet your acquaintance!” Trump said as he went to shake her hand.

“Ahh hold on sir!” Dr. Crusher said as she stopped.  “In order to help prevent the spread its safer if we tap elbows.”

“What, why?” Trump asked.  “That has nothing to do with the butt virus, in fact I would think that would make it spread worse!”

“Just trust the science Mr. President.” Dr. Crusher said. “Now you came to get my advice correct?”

“Yes that is correct, I know you’re the leading expert in dealing with viruses, infections and even reconstructive surgery.  Why I even heard you fixed Creepy Joe’s ankle” Trump said.

“Yea I did” Dr. Crusher said as she shuddered. “He was creepy, he couldn’t keep his nose out of my hair and shoulders.  Anyway I have found that we can limit the spike of cases by two things.”

“What are those two things?” Trump asked.

“Well, we need to wear butt masks.” Dr. Crusher said.  “You can really nip it in the bud if you do that.  Additionally, if you can separate yourself by 6.3 feet you can limit its effective spread”

“6.3 feet?” Trump Asked.  “Why not 7 feet?”

“That is what the science tells us, trust the science” Dr. Crusher said. “Now I want to introduce you to something”

“This is the latest invention that we have been working on.” Dr. Crusher continued.  “Its the Autosensing Wuhan Extra Space Obedient Machine Version 0, or A.W.E.S.O.M.-O for short”

“Well this is kind of neat!” Trump said. “What’s with the staff?”

“We’ll show you” Dr. Crusher said. “Try to get close to A.W.E.S.O.M.-O”

“OK” Trump said as he stepped near the machine.

“LAME!” A.W.E.S.O.M.-O said as it pushed Trump back 6.3 feet.

“Amazing!” Trump said. “Dr. Crusher we need to get your invention out to the masses! Would you please join my team of experts, our next meeting is in two or three days.”

“Well I suppose I don’t have much of a choice” Dr. Crusher said. “I’ll be there”

“WEAK!” A.W.E.S.O.M.-O said.

When it Rains it Pours

Season 6, Episode 10 (PSA)

“How could this happen!” Trump asked his chief of staff. “How could you let the Democrats cheat and commit voter fraud.  Its fraud I tell you!”

“Mr. President, we don’t know for sure if it is or isn’t” Data said.  “While it looks like it, I think we should conduct an investigation!”

“Way ahead of you Mr. Data” Trump said and then shouted “ROBERT, GET IN HERE NOW!”

Robert Mueller walked in and said “Yes Mr. President?”

“I want you to conduct an investigation.  I want you to investigate the voter fraud going on in Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, New Mexico, Georgia… shoot just all the states. I want you to investigate the fraud.  I want you to spend as much time as you did on the Russian nonsense. Only this time it will be real, and the American people will trust you like they did in 2016.”

“I can do that” Robert replied. “I should have my results in, oh say… a few days”

“A FEW DAYS?!?!?” Trump exclaimed.  “You think it will be that easy to find?”

“Well Sir, that is if I find any indication that fraud may have been committed.  I should know that in a few days” Robert replied.

“Oh… well that’s good.  In the meantime, I need to continue to get congress to act on the butt virus, Mr. Data… assemble the doctors for a 1PM meeting.  I have a new expert I want them to consult”

“Very Good Mr. President, will that be all?” Data asked.

“No, please get me a hamberder” Trump replied. “And get one for my pal Mueller here too will ya?”

Finger Lickin’ Essential

Season 6, Episode 9 (PSA)

“What do you mean you won’t serve me unless I put a butt mask on?!?!” Skeletor demanded “I am already here, and ready to order my chicken!”

“I’m sorry sir, its corporate policy” Col. Bernie Sanders said. “We can sell you a butt mask for $.50. and then I can serve you”

“You fool! Don’t you see that if I bought that butt mask you would be serving me without me wearing a butt mask, so vicariously you can serve me with out a butt mask, so I demand five buckets of chicken… EXTRA CRISPY!!!!” Skeletor said.

“I’m sorry sir, policy prohibits it. You’re welcome to go through our drive through if you don’t want to wear a butt mask” Col Sanders replied. “Or you can purchase this butt mask, look its pretty cool on it, it says ‘I’ve been to KFC’ which is a great marketing campaign for us! Plus then you can feel the burn without others having to!”

“I shall take my leave” Skeletor said, “But know this!  I will not forget this!”

As Skeletor left he murmured “I shall vanquish this butt virus, for it is an ally of He-Man no doubt!”

After Skeletor left, Col. Sanders murmured “Man, the public sure are jerks.  I don’t want to be here but I have to be.  We provide an essential service to the public, doesn’t he realize that?”

 

Just Like Old Times

Season 6, Episode 8 (PSA)

“Where is Kamala?” Grimace, Joe Biden’s chief of staff asked Joe.

“Who’s Kamala?” Joe replied. “Does she like a man with hairy legs?”

“Oh no!” Grimace exclaimed.

“Robert you ol’ hound dog!” Joe said as he recognized his close ally. “And Kamala, are you ok?”

“And why is there a piano in here?” Grimace asked.

“Goodness me” Kamala said said as she picked her self up.  “It so hard to stand on this  carpet with these heels”

“But still, why the piano” Grimace asked.

“Oh I can answer that.” Robert Mueller said. “I thought it would be a nice addition to your office since we can play anything by ear, like we did the Russia collusion for 2016 on why we didn’t win the White House then.”

“So the plan now, as I was speaking to Robert before you got here is to just blatantly cheat.” Kamala said. “If anyone challenges we’ll just say they are racist and then mostly peaceful organizers will take care of them for us!”

“Genius!” Joe said. “Robert, play the Campton ladies!”

“I really can’t play the piano.” Robert said. “But I’ll do my best in your cabinet to protect you and blame Trump.

“Excellent, her I want you to have this campaign sticker for your car Robert” Joe said.  “Every bit of PR helps and I’m running with Barack to fix this country”

“Uh Mr. Biden, that is not from your current election bid, that is from 2008” Grimace said “Remember, you are running for President. And where did you get that anyway?”

“The same place we got that piano!” Joe said. “Hey Kamala, I smell you’re not wearing a butt mask, let me help with that.”

Shady Practices

Season 6, Episode 7 (PSA)

As President Trump and former Vice President Biden made a mad dash for swing states, both of them met a slightly shady character in Michigan.

“Thank you for meeting me on neutral territory Mr. President.” The Hamburglar said. “It’s always a pleasure when you visit our fair state… the lower half anyway.”

“Great, and why are you calling this neutral territory?” Trump asked. “Are you aware that I just happen to like, THE Ohio State University?  This couldn’t be more of a biased place. Its a terrible place. I’m not sure I want to strike a deal with you”

“Look, I understand, but look around.” The Hamburglar showed him as Trump looked around. “Not a soul.”

“So the deal, and it seems like a good deal, is if I give you a hamberder, you will help me secure the state of Michigan?” Trump asked.

“Thats right, now if you just want to slip that over here.” The Hamburglar said as he grabbed the hamburger. “Now lets shake on it!”

“And good luck to you Mr. President!” The Hambuglar said as Trump left to continue to campaign.

Not long after, a private helicopter landed in the far endzone.

“Are you the hamburger fella?” Vice President Biden asked. “Say I like what you did with the place, Go Blue! like go Democrat!”

“Yea, some people take it different ways” The Hamburglar said. “Now, I can help you defeat Trump, but I just need a hamburger”

“Oh yea, here you go!” Joe said as he handed him a half eaten burger.

“What is this?” The Hamburglar asked. “This isn’t worth ten briefcases of emergency democrat votes!”

“Well I got hungry, and this was all there was” Joe said. “Say, did you know that if you added the square root of pi to cherry pie, you get a turnover?”

“Not sure where you’re going with that but sure,” The Hamburglar said. “I’ll take the half eaten burger, but its only good for one case”

“Hey black, my favorite color!” Joe said. “By the way, I notice that your butt mask is black on the outside and gold… Want to maybe sell that to…”

“NO ITS A CAPE YOU FOOL!” The Hamburglar said. “I need it because it is part of my costume and it doubles as a butt mask”

“Great, now you want a cabinet seat for your contribution?” Joe asked.

“NO!!!” The Hamburglar said frustratingly. “Don’t you remember, you gave me a hamburger or half a hamburger for this case!”

“Oh right, well I’m outta here!”  Joe said “Time to find Kamala!”

Stepping up for the Cause

Season 6, Episode 6 (PSA)

On Presidents most recent trip to another swing state, someone very important wanted to speak with him.

“Mr. Trump, if I may take a bit of your time I want to update you on the marshmallow shortages” Mr. Stay Puft said as President Trump departed Air Force One.

“Who is this again?” President Trump asked his chief of staff.

“That is Mr. Stay Puft, owner and proprietor of Stay Puft marshmallows” Data said.

“Mr. President, I am sure you have heard that there are shortages of marshmallows because of this butt virus.” Mr. Stay Puft said. “No one knows why people are making a run on marshmallows and how it correlates to the butt virus, but I can assure you we are working feverishly to restock the shelves”

“Well that good!”  Trump said “That would be one les thing I’d have to worry about if you take care of the marshmallow.  I have to put all my energy into reelection, so thank you for your time!”

“If I could just have an hour of your time, I want to show you the new factory I just procured.” Mr. Stay Puft said.

“Listen, Mr. Stay Puft” Data said.  “The President really does not have time to take a tour of your factory”

“Nonsense Data!” Trump said. “Factory away!!!!”

“As you can see my new factory is huge!” Mr Stay Puft said.

“Yuge!?” Trump asked.  “I like yuge things!”

“Just wait till you see the inside Mr. Trump!” Mr. Stay Puft said.

As they went inside Mr. Stay Puft took them to the dry store room.

“As you can see here Mr. President, we have plenty of supplies ready to start mass production of marshmallows.” Mr. Stay Puft said.

“Mr. Data,” Trump said “You’re close to being fired.  You didn’t want me to see this glorious marshmallow plant.  This glorious marshmallow plant is huge, and is beautiful.  Its beautiful.”

“Again Mr. Trump, you need to keep matters of the state and your reelection before your personal matters” Data said.

“This concerns national security!” Trump said furiously! “We have a butt virus happening, and people need their marshmallows and stores can’t keep them stocked!  This is very important!”

“Mr. Trump thank you for your time, I assure you we will produce and stock the shelves” Mr. Stay Puft said.

I’m from the Government, and we’re here to help

Season 6, Episode 5 (PSA)

“Yes, its true” Donald Trump stated at the start of his national address. “There is a virus that is ravaging the rest of the world, and it has made it way to these United States.”

“Rest assured, that I have our finest, doctors working on this.  They’re great.  The finest doctors have shared with me a plan, and its a wonderful plan, a spectacular beautiful plan, on how to address this virus” Trump continued.

“We know, that it causes rashes on your backside, and we don’t know how it spreads exactly. ”

A flurry of hands went up

“Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump!” a voice said.

“Yes, you” Trump said as he pointed to a reporter.

“Mr. Trump, Anna Smith from Snowflake news, is there any indication that race is involved  you racist, bigoted, oran…”

“Look” Trump stopped her “Race has nothing to do with this, this is a serious pandemic and we need to be serious about this, yes you”

“Mr. Sexist, is there any way you could have handled this any worse than you have?” another reporter asked.

“President Trump, are you going to mandate the use of butt masks?” another reporter asked.

“I’m not going to make any decision on that until we know more information.” Trump responded. “We know what we know and we don’t know what we don’t know.  Our finest doctors are working on this”

Another journalist switched the subject on him “Mr. Trump, will this pandemic have any effect on your re-election?”

“My reelection bid is going well, its looking good. It’s going so well, you’d have to have four major swing states find something like 100k votes a piece for creepy Joe to beat me” Trump said assuredly.

“Are you going to accept fault for the spread of the butt virus to the US?” Anna Smith asked again.

“Ok, that’s it” Trump said furiously. “No more questions about the butt virus, the election. I am going now to get a hamberder. God Bless, and God bless the United states of America!”